"What are you looking for?"

"Why did you decide to quit your job and do a service year?”

It’s a question I’ve been asked many times heading into this past year. Voluntarily leaving a stable job with interesting work and close friends nearby in my late 20s might not seem the most reasonable thing to do. In all honesty, I have probably given different responses to people as I tried to brush aside the question “why?”, and many times I feel the need to justify my own decision. There are a variety of reasons I would give to others during the early months of my Cap Corps year, but I also internally wrestled with the question: why DID I decide to join Cap Corps?

Throughout the past year, I have revisited a Gospel passage with Jesus’ words to two men that he saw following behind him:

“What are you looking for?” (John 1:38)

It’s a question that stops me in my tracks.

What am I looking for? Is it financial success? A dream job that I think will fulfill me? Physical health? A comfortable career and a picture-perfect family? A life filled with travel and excitement? Praise and acknowledgement from others? These desires are not inherently bad or even mutually exclusive, but I realized they would leave me empty if I sought them as my end-goal in life.

“What are you looking for?” … It’s easy to run from that question, or to simply say “God” (which would be a fitting response) and then go on living unchanged. I could easily bury that internal question in the busyness of life, dismiss it with apathy and resignation, or stifle it with screen time and superficial social interactions. But the question will not go away.

I’ve started to come to terms with the idea of “seeking”, or exploring the unknown, even if I’m afraid of what I’ll find. That idea of “seeking” can be a bit anxiety-inducing. In all honesty, it’s also probably the most apt reason to give for why I decided to join Cap Corps. Tolkien captured this sentiment with his quote: “not all who wander are lost.” This past year of Cap Corps has been an ongoing lesson in “seeking” for me, and it has required trust in God and a renewing of hope with each step.

I remember the first day at my site placement (the Medical Clinic at SOME) when I was shadowing my supervisor as she checked the vital signs of a patient. The patient said they didn’t want me there and asked me to leave the room, which is completely within their rights, but still left me feeling a bit deflated from the get-go. I had an interesting start to the year in other regards as well, such as popping my bike tire in the rain during my commute or wearing scrubs in the clinic for the first time. As the year has gone on, though, I’ve started to understand how much of a blessing the time has been. Getting to work alongside a supportive medical team that included and mentored me has been rewarding. Also learning about trauma-informed care and having the opportunity to chat with patients one-on-one at the clinic has been both challenging and humbling. There have been times where I had little idea how to respond to a patient as they spoke about certain concerns or struggles, and simply being someone to listen was the best I could do.

George (left) with his housemates, Peter (middle) and Tim (right) on Spring retreat.

In community life, I have also come to appreciate the blessings that God has given through my community members. Taking time to intentionally sit down to plan out meals or budget together as a community can take some patience, and it is often difficult to force my introverted self to sit and talk over a meal at the end of the day. With each week, I find myself encouraged to lean into the community despite the ups-and-downs of the days. There’s a magnet hanging on the refrigerator in the Cap Corps house with a quote from Dottie Bockstiegel: “A compassionate life means we share our gifts and our struggles.” The time together has helped reveal certain “gifts” and “struggles” of mine - places where I can have confidence and areas where I can admit I need to improve. My fellow community members challenge me to grow in faith and charity through their own good examples, gifts, and struggles.

“What are you looking for?”

I didn’t truly grasp what I was looking for at the beginning of this year. In my “seeking”, though, I can say that I encountered the beauty of Christ in others in a new way.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” (Matthew 7:7-8)

Br. Ryan (left), Tim, Peter, George & Br. Stephen (right) on the Transitus of St. Francis.